The Cassette - Part 3 of 5

3 

Work the following morning felt strange in ways Leo could not explain, even to himself. The overhead lamps buzzed above the cluttered desks as they always did and the stained carpet remained worn thin with age, yet everything seemed out of place. But that wasn't why he kept his head lowered or his eyes fixed on the lino floor. 

He had expected the staring after what had happened to his mother. Bad news travelled fast, after all. But grief was easier to endure than the other feeling growing inside him. Someone had done this to her; someone had hurt his mother. He knew he wasn't supposed to think like that, knew it sounded absurd and far-fetched, but the sickening suspicion clung to him anyway. His mind kept replaying their last phone call, those cryptic words that still haunted him, and yet it wasn't the words alone that kept him awake. Not truly. It was guilt. 

He had missed the last chance to see her, said he was too caught up with work, that he would visit another day. But what if that had been her final attempt to reach him? To tell him something he would now never know? The thought unsettled him to the core, wearing him down, and numbing everything else until it was all he could feel. If he had known this would be the outcome, that she would die in such pain, he would never have left her alone in that place. Now it was too late for regrets. His mother was gone, and no amount of remorse could bring her back. 

Sam noticed him immediately, despite the care Leo took easing the door open without a sound. 

"Leo?" It was obvious that the other had not expected him in today. 

His entire left ear was wrapped in bandages, the white fabric stained in uneven patches and lightly soaked through, as if the bleeding had never quite stopped properly. He had meant to change it that morning but had overslept and simply... hadn't. 

A chair rolled closer the moment he sat down and hit the power button on his workstation, the computer springing to life with a low hum. He didn't need to look though; he already knew who it was. 

"I thought you weren't coming in today," Sam said, his eyes flicking over Leo's face before dropping to the bandage. "How are you holding up?" 

"I'm all right." 

A beat later. 

"What happened?" 

Leo instinctively raised a hand to his bandaged ear. "This?" he said, followed by a small shake of his head. "Just a small accident. Don't worry about it." 

"You call that a small accident, dude?" 

Leo forced a smile as he turned slightly back towards him. 

"How's the digitisation going, by the way? Heard Jen's off sick." 

Sam let out a short breath through his nose, or rather, something between a sigh and resignation. He stayed like that for a moment, eyes on Leo, as if weighing whether to push further. Then he looked away, turning slightly in his seat, the faint glow of his monitor catching in his glasses as he let the matter be – for now. 

"It's going as well as it can, I suppose. Just us today." 

"Right." A pause. "Anything else?" 

Sam scratched the side of his neck, debating within himself for a moment whether to speak his mind or remain hushed for the remainder of their shift, before deciding to speak up. 

"Listen, I don't want to overstep, but are you sure you should be in? Mrs Gandell—" 

"I'm fine," Leo cut in, already reaching into his bag before Sam had the chance to finish, pulling out the unlabelled cassette. "Here. Take it; before I forget." 

Sam's expression shifted immediately, his attention snapping to the cassette. "You fixed it?" 

"Yeah.” 

"That quickly?" 

He gave a brief shrug. "It didn't need much." 

Sam snatched up the cassette and turned it over in his hand, studying the unlabelled casing as his earlier concern slipped away. 

"So, what's on it?" 

"Not much." 

"What do you mean, not much?" 

"Just watch it. You'll see what I mean." 

Sam rolled his chair back towards his own desk, the wheels skimming across the office floor and settling into place just out of Leo's direct line of sight. Their desks were back to back, so he couldn't actually see Sam watching the footage, but the space between them was close enough for Leo to hear the start of the video – that familiar hiss of static, the recorder's uneven whirr, and the persistent glitching. 

For a while, that was all there was. As it should be. 

Then, after five or so minutes, the soundscape shifted out of nowhere. It was so abrupt that Leo twisted his neck on instinct so quickly a sharp jolt of pain tore through his left side like an electric shock, a groan slipping out before he could stop it. 

That wasn't supposed to happen. He had replayed the footage over and over at home and not once had the sound changed.  

"What… what the fuck is this? Leo?" 

Clutching his left side, still wincing from the throbbing pain, Leo rolled his chair closer to Sam's to get a better look. His eyes, slightly glassy now, stayed fixed on the screen, the confusion only deepening with each passing second. 

It was that same interrogation room, only now someone was sitting on one of the chairs. It looked like a woman from this angle, but it was impossible to be sure, since her face was turned away from the recorder.  

Her hands were clasped on the table, slender and bony. She stood still, just as still as the footage he watched yesterday, but her crossed legs were moving subtly, almost rhythmically to a beat his ears didn't catch, in tune with the constant glitching of the footage. 

That wasn't what disturbed them both, though. 

She was naked from the waist down. 

Right then, as they were still trying to process the strangeness of it all, the recorder suddenly changed angle, and the woman on the footage shifted with it. Or rather, her neck did. A fraction of a second later, she was staring directly at them through the lens. But she wasn't a woman, after all. It was a man with a white-painted skin, red and plum-stained lips, and pitch-black eyes without irises; like a doll, overdone and artificial, every feature exaggerated. Then his mouth began to move. Slowly at first, stretching into a grin that kept widening, wider than it should have, until the jaw dislocated completely and turned into a grotesque yawn. 

Leo blinked repeatedly, his eyes narrowing to see better. That was when it hit him. That smile, or whatever hell it was, it was identical to the one his deceased mother had worn before she died. How was this— 

The screen went black. 

Sam's voice came through a moment later, shaken. 

"What the fuck did we just... watch?" 

Leo leaned in, just as shaken, muttering under his breath. "Impossible." Then, after a moment of clarity. "Replay it." 

"What?" 

"I said, replay the video! From the beginning." 

Sam hesitated for a moment but did as he was told. Leo fixed his eyes on the screen at once, his focus snapping to the corner of the frame – to the door that was supposed to be closed, and his expression hardened. 

"It has... changed?" 

"What—has changed?" 

Leo briefly looked away before moving the mouse to replay the video, to make sure he wasn't imagining things. 

"The door. It's open!" 

"So?" Sam said, irritated by the way he raised his voice. "That's the least of our concerns, isn't it?" 

"You don't understand! It was closed when I watched it." 

"You also said there was nothing to see," Sam gestured at the man in the footage. "What's this about then? You call this 'nothing'?" 

"He wasn't there before." 

Sam's expression changed at that, the colour slowly draining from his face. "Are you saying the entire footage has changed?" 

"But I don't... understand? How can this be?" 

Sam shot up from his chair right then, so quickly it scraped across the floor, the sound jarring in the otherwise empty office. 

"I told you!" he shouted, pointing at the screen. "I told you this was one of those cursed tapes!” 

"Hey, easy there, man. There's no such thing." 

Sam dragged a hand down his face, breathing fast and uneven, his finger now turning on Leo. "It's your fault! You made me watch it, damn it!" 

"Hey—get a grip! Sam, do you hear me?" 

But Sam wasn't really listening anymore. He paced a step or two, agitated, knocking lightly against the desk as he moved, knocking over whatever came his way. Leo stood up and caught him by the shoulders, just firm enough to stop him and pull him out of whatever had taken hold. 

"Sam. Look at me. Sam!" 

That seemed to cut through it. For now. The fight drained out of him, and he sank back into his chair. For a moment he just stared ahead, unfocused, his breathing still uneven. When the worst was over and they both had calmed down enough to think straight without panicking, Leo spoke up. 

"Look, you're overthinking this. Cursed tape? I don't buy that. There's got to be a logical explanation. There always is." 

"And what is that?" 

Leo wet his lip, still not entirely sure himself, but unwilling to admit it. 

"Someone tampered with the footage. Tried to corrupt it so it couldn't be properly restored. There could've been a delay in the process, or maybe—" 

"That doesn't explain what we just saw, does it?" 

"No, but—" 

"There's a man in there, for fuck's sake!" Sam cut in. "Dressed like some freak, half-naked, staring straight at us through the screen! How do you explain that? Go on!" 

"There's got to be an explanation in the footage or-or the file itself, even if it's corrupt. We just need to rewatch it and check if—" 

"No. No fucking chance." Sam shoved his chair back hard. "You go watch it. I'm done! I'm not sticking around for this shit." 

"Sam—" 

"I'm not dying for whatever the fuck this is, all right? If you want to sit here and figure it all out, be my guest!" 

"Dude, you're not even listening. Cursed tape? Seriously?" 

Sam shoved past him hard as Leo stepped in to stop him, knocking him off balance. He caught himself on the edge of a desk before he could fully go down. The other didn't even look back to see if he was okay, he simply grabbed his jacket and left the office mid-shift. 

Leo stayed where he was for a moment, breathing hard, then straightened and looked over at Sam's desk. The video was still open. 

He hit play and the footage continued exactly as before. 

Until it no longer did. 

He hit pause immediately, his breath catching in his throat as the sudden change registered too late. For a moment, he did neither move nor press play again, just stared at the screen with wide, almost unfocused eyes, as if willing it to make sense on its own. 

Was Sam right, after all? But a cursed tape? That felt too far-fetched, too absurd. Things like that only happened in horror films, not in real life, and certainly not in their quiet office with buzzing overhead lights and computers and cameras all over the place. So, what exactly was going on? 

He hit play again. 

The figure had stood up, but his body remained turned away from the recorder, while his neck twisted unnaturally back towards it – just as it did earlier. Leo leaned in closer, eyes narrowing as he tried to make sense of what he was seeing, when the recording stopped and the screen cut to black. He tapped his mouse and restarted the video from the beginning, panic rising in his chest as his eyes fixed on the door. 

It was slightly more ajar this time, he was certain, and the footage continued just beyond where it had ended before, with the figure now closer to the recorder, that stretched, yawn-like smile fixed on lens, but only for a few seconds before it cut again. 

Leo hit play again. And again. 

Each time, the door stood a little wider, and each time, the figure drew closer to the recorder, but it wasn't just the figure – the entire interrogation room seemed to shift forwards as if it too was being pulled towards the lens. 

By the time he pressed play for what felt like the sixteenth time, the video refused to run at all. He tried restarting the file, then the computer itself, but nothing changed. Nothing responded. 

He stared at the dark screen, his hand still resting on the mouse, a slow unease settling in, one he couldn't ignore. Something about it all felt off in a way he couldn't explain. This was not just corrupted data or a broken file as he suspected earlier. It was something else entirely, and something told him it was connected to his mother's— 

He doubled over and clutched his bandaged ear as his mother's final words rang on repeat, causing a jarring pressure to build behind his eyes as his gaze instinctively settled on the black screen, right where the ajar door had been before everything cut to black. But that was not what caused him to fling his eyes open and whip around with a gasp. 

Something had moved behind his reflection, a slight shift, before he could even register it. But there was nothing behind him, nothing but the quiet office. Or so he thought. 

He jolted at the sudden glow of a monitor, eyes widening as he staggered back to his desk, his legs nearly giving way beneath him. Had Sam left his computer on before storming out? He couldn't remember. 

At the same time— 

Ring. Ring. 

He flinched and twisted towards the sound, dread rising so fast it locked his body in place for a moment before he realised it was only his phone.  

When his thoughts cleared enough to function, he reached for it. It was that number again. What had Mrs Riley called the new caretaker, again? Somehow, it eluded him. Not that it mattered. 

His eyes instinctively drifted to the clock on the wall before he brought the phone to his ear. It read 11:03 PM. His stomach dropped. Had he really been sitting here for that long? It felt like Sam had only just walked out. 

"Hello?" 

There was a brief pause on the other end of the line before a hesitant male voice answered. 

"Mr Wang?" 

"Speaking." 

"Right, uh, this is Carsten. Mrs Riley said you wanted to speak to me?" A pause followed, along with the muffled sound of movement in the background. "Sorry for calling this late. Been busy these past few days and completely forgot I was supposed to give you a call. Hope that's all right." 

Leo straightened slightly in his chair, his eyes drifting once more to the clock on the wall. 

"Sure, no problem. I was still awake anyway." 

"Right." 

Another small pause followed this exchange, as though Carsten wasn't entirely sure what the conversation was meant to be about. 

"So, uh, what exactly did you want to ask me?" 

"Mrs Riley said my mother used your phone to call me the night she passed." 

"Ah. Yeah. She asked if she could borrow it for a minute. Said it was important." 

"Did she... do that often? Borrowing phones, I mean. I don't really remember her doing that before." 

"No. Not that I'm aware of." 

"Then why yours? Why that particular day?" 

"Honestly?" Carsten let out a faint breath through his nose. "I'm not sure. She just... seemed off that day, like she wasn't fully there. More than usual." 

Leo shifted forwards in his chair. 

"Off how?" 

"She kept staring at the door every few seconds that evening, asking if someone had come in. Then she'd ask if I'd locked it properly." 

"Someone specific?" 

A longer silence followed this time. When the caretaker spoke again, his voice had lowered and the way he spoke revealed his confusion. 

"You... didn't visit her that evening?" 

Leo frowned. "Visit—what do you mean?" 

"There was a man with her earlier that day." 

Leo's grip tightened around the phone at once. 

"What man? What did he look like?" 

"Tall-ish. Dark hair. Bit scruffy looking. Your mother called him 'son' a few times, so I just assumed it was you." 

"Did he give you his name?" 

"No. I didn't think to ask." 

"How long was he there?" 

"Twenty minutes maybe. Maybe less." Carsten paused again, though this time he sounded genuinely unsettled by his own words. "Now that I think about it, your mother always seemed worse after he left." 

Leo's eyes widened. "He's been there before?" 

"A handful of times since I started working at the nursing home. Three months, give or take." 

"Do the other caretakers know him?" 

"Maybe. I could ask around if you want. 

"Yeah. I'd appreciate that." 

"No problem." 

Another pause settled between them, shorter this time, then Carsten spoke. "Listen, I don't mean to overstep or anything, but you don't sound too good. You all right?" 

Leo let out a faint, bitter laugh. 

"Thanks for asking. Honestly, you're probably the first person who has." He rubbed tiredly at his eyes. "My mum was all I had left, and the people I thought I knew, they—" His voice trailed off. "—never mind. Just let me know if you hear anything." 

"Sure." 

The line went dead. 

God-less

There was a time when I thought I could be healed, that having faith was all I needed for a different tomorrow, one not tormented by the voices in my head. But there is no entity hiding away in the ever-expanding universe, no dark matter or dark energy under the spell of an otherworldly being worshipped far and wide in this shithole called the Earth. Because no sovereign entity would watch the innocent suffer at the hands of dirty old men, no compassionate being would see the sun set only for darkness to rise instead, and no god would set his creations on fire just to test them – for such god, if it did exist – would have no need to test, no reason not to be compassionate, not be a mere witness in the face of abuse. 

But it had not always been like this. I too once believed; wanted to believe. 

Not anymore. 

When I lost my faith and everything I thought would hold fell apart right before me, I did not expect the feelings I suppressed so long would resurface from the darkness. That unsatiable hunger. But it was not greed I wanted to feed on nor was it money and fame. It was— 

I stopped mid-action, my hands hovering over the keyboards, not able to continue. 

All sorts of thoughts washed over me then, thoughts I dared not say aloud, scared witless they might become reality once I let them take space and consume me from within. But I was not ashamed. I did not choose this path laid out before me. It... chose me. 

My first encounter with my hunger, or rather, the very first time I realised I was different from other people, was at my aunt's funeral fifteen years ago. 

To this day, in this very moment, I could still remember the time I held her stiff hand tightly for the first time, bidding farewell. But it was not hunger then what I felt. It was sadness. My aunt brought me up as her own when my birth mother abandoned me, taking me in not as a pitiful orphan in need of shelter, but as someone she genuinely thought of as her nearest kin. She never once raised her voice at me, never once talked ill of her own selfish sister who ran away with a junkie and left her with such heavy burden. 

You see, raising a child, especially one that is not your own, is not an easy feat. I know this well now that I am the same age she took me in and saved me. She suffered. Even during the happiest moments of our intertwined lives, she was weighed down by my existence and could never truly be free. To save my worthless life amounting to nothing, she turned her back to her fiancé, to a great title at a multinational corporation in the capital. And, after all these sacrifices, she did not even get her money's worth, passing away prematurely just to bring food to the table and sustain me at a time when I was the most rebellious. If there was one thing I regretted, it was that phase of my life, and no matter what I did, I could not turn back the clock and make things right. 

I did not interact with many people growing up and the few people who knew me outside of professional settings were the ones I knew from my childhood. I did not make new friends; neither did I ever fall in love. Everyone around me said I had not found “the one” and I chose to believe in those meaningless words, though I knew what I was, what I had become unbeknownst to myself. That was why I pushed away everyone who ever showed me interest, be it men or women, for I knew pretending would only take me to a certain point, and by then, I had to face my demons. 

"You're still at it?" Denver said, leaning over me from behind and resting her head against my shoulder. "I thought you said you had sent it out already." 

I folded the laptop close before she could take a proper look. 

"I did," I said, already up and starting for the hallway. "I'm working on something new." 

"Really? That was quick." Denver said, rushing to catch with me as I started for the front door. "No wonder people at the agency call you a beast. So, what's the genre? Another thriller? The last one was a hit, after all." 

"This one—" I said, packing my laptop in the backpack, before turning to face her. "—is a secret. You'll know what it's about at the same time as everyone else." 

"Come on! You've always told me about your scripts beforehand." 

"I know," I replied, slinging the backpack over my shoulders and cracking the door open. "But what to do? I'm afraid this piece is too personal for me to reveal. Just yet, that is." 

"Personal? How so?" 

I looked away briefly, the door opening up to the twelfth-floor landing, the lightbulb flickering on and off. "You'll see. Eventually." 

"Does that mean you won't come to the afterparty? Kathrine told me she'd fire me if I did not bring you along this time either. Seems like the people at the gala want to hand out prices only to those willing to attend." 

"I have not decided yet." 

"You know you can't just hold it off forever. Right? At least, come this time and explain yourself to those people. I'm sure they will be in for a well-earned surprise once you show up with that big personality of yours! Who knows? They might even stop inviting you." 

A faint smile escaped me. 

"Is that supposed to be a compliment?" 

"Anyway, you should think about this. But, for real. Please? I really don't want to lose this job. Do you have any idea how messed up the job market is right now?" 

I shook my head, another smile escaping, before I turned and waved her goodbye. Even so, though I did not say a word to her, though I treated her so coldly, she confessed. 

As she always did. 

"I love you, by the way. Have I ever told you that? So, be good to me, Eli! Because I can't imagine anyone liking someone as stoic and heartless as you!" 

I entered the elevator, and as it slowly closed, whispered to myself. 

"I know. That's why you should hurry up and just hate me instead. For your own sake." 

It wasn't that I did not love her; I just couldn't. Nothing excited me. Whether that was two bodies on top of one another covered in a tender mix of lust and sweat or the wetness of a passionate kiss under the rain. Nothing excited me but—that. 

I knew I was afflicted, that I shouldn't be having these thoughts tearing me apart, but I could not help them. So, I tried to make the best out of my situation. I stayed away from people, let them hate me instead of love me, treated them cruelly to hide myself from the ugly truth I could not escape. One error, one misstep, would not only change my life forever, but also affect other people. I could not afford this. Even if it meant I'd have to end my existence, I would not let the instincts take over. No matter what. But I could not foresee the future, and so, I did not see the danger coming before it appeared before me. 

I was twenty-six years old at the time, caught in the downpour on my way home. 

My research lasted longer than usual, and I clocked out of the office past midnight, at a time when the bus came once every hour. I was running in the rain to catch up with the bus at the time, but missed it just as it left the bus stop, leaving me to my own devices in the middle of the night. So, I took cover at the bus stop, listened and watched the heavy rain for a while before putting on my wireless earphone, the lyrics of Deathmask Divine by The Black Dahlia Murder blaring in one ear, as I traced the droplets' path in the air before they fell like petals over the pavement. It was one of the most hauntingly beautiful sights I had ever witnessed, and perhaps it was the beauty of my surroundings that intoxicated me, making me let my guard down, though only briefly. But it was enough – just enough. 

A car pulled over, obscuring my view over the rain. A black sedan. 

“Removal of the eyes gives my heart a sudden chill. I preserve them in formaldehyde to gaze upon at will...” 

I cocked my head slowly as the window rolled down and a stranger of similar age addressed me. He had one of the purest voices I had ever heard – that I would ever hear again. I could tell he was raised well and that he was hesitant n about approaching me, a young woman all alone and drenched cold in the night. 

"Hey, uh, I'm sorry. I'm working at that company over there." I followed his gaze to a large building housing numerous companies. "I'm actually an accountant but have just started working, so I was working overtime to show my feet—" 

"Why are you telling me all this?" 

"Right. I-I just saw you miss the buss and I... I..." 

"You want to give me a ride, but is too hesitant because you think you might offend or scare me." 

He blinked. "How did you—" 

"It's written all over your face." 

He scratched his neck, a crooked smile forming on his lips as he averted my gaze. 

"Is that so?" 

I cocked my head anew, my eyes narrowing and a smirk forming on my lips, the last part of the lyrics lingering before I pulled out the earphone. 

“Tonight I'll lay beside you, darling, in necromantic sin...” 

I stood up, my grin growing wider, and drew closer to the car. 

"So," I asked, leaning down to see his eyes better, both elbows resting on the open window. "Are you giving me a ride?” 

He looked up at those words and met my eyes. 

"I..." 

Seeing him hesitate, another smirk appeared on my face before I took notice of it, pulling away and twisting the handle; letting myself in before he could protest. 

"Can you turn on the heat, by the way?" 

It took him a moment to regain his bearing. "S-Sure." 

I gave a brief smile and reached for the sweater between us. "Mind if I use this?" 

"Huh? Uh-uh. Go ahead." 

But instead of turning on the motor after this short exchange, he sat overly upright in his seat, all tensed up, and in a daze. I patted my hair dry for another few seconds before breaking off. 

"Are we going to stay here all night?" 

At this remark, he finally snapped out from whatever had taken hold and turned the igniter. "Is your place, uh, far from here?" 

I cast him a glance before resting my head against the window, watching the rain fall in cadence to the beat of my heart through the windshield. 

"Just keep driving straight. I'll tell you the way as we go." 

"Okay." 

Only minutes into the drive, he turned on the stereo and some old school folk music blared in the background. His hands were trembling, and for some reason that made me smile. 

Mind you, enough people had pursued me over the years, but I had not met anyone quite peculiar like this. Guys like this were too nervous to even approach so they opted to watch from afar instead. But this guy, despite himself, knowing very well how nervous I would make him, had actually the nerve to approach me. Maybe he thought I would reject his offer, and he was right in thinking so, for had it been someone else behind the wheel that night, I would not have entered the car. 

"You said you were an accountant?" 

He tried hard not to look at me. 

"Yeah. New graduate. Only been a few weeks since I started working properly." 

"I see. And your name?" 

The car bumped slightly. 

"My name?" 

"Don't you have one?" 

"Forrest. You?" 

"Forrest?" I said, the surprise in my voice betraying me. 

"Heard my aunt named me after her first love." He looked at me properly with a wide smile on. "Apparently, they never got to be together in this lifetime." 

"Why not?" 

He was no longer smiling and my own smile too faded. I wished I could see him smile again at that moment, take note of every wrinkle, every line. 

"He was sent to war shortly after confessing and... never returned." 

"She must've been heartbroken, then." 

"She was. For a long time. Never married or anything. She lived a lonely life, then died lonely, too." 

"Not quite." 

"Huh? What do you mean?" 

"You said she never forgot about him. That means he never left her. Only the people around her could not see them. Together, that is." 

He gave a nervous smile, once again focusing on the windshield and the downpour. 

"It almost sounds like you have seen it with your own eyes." 

"It's called instinct." 

"Instinct?" 

I rested my head against the window once more. "Uh-uh. Us women can sense things like that for some reason. You think it's a gift or curse?" 

"I guess that depends. What do you think?" 

I hesitated. "I think it's a curse." 

I could tell he stared at me as I said this, though I did not look, as though my words had caught him off guard. 

"Why... do you think that?" 

"Turn left here." 

"Uh, sure." 

He twisted the wheel. 

I seized the moment to study him then. His eyes were beautiful, like the ocean. The way his face turned solemn as he concentrated... something straight out of fairytale. So, pure. So, innocent. Did people like this really exist or was I only seeing what I wanted to see? 

"Stop the car." 

He abruptly turned to me. "What—" 

"I said, stop the car. Now." 

He pushed on the clutch and the brake at the same time. 

We lurched forwards. 

When the car came to a still, he looked at me with perplexed eyes, hoping for an explanation. But I gave him none. Instead, I unlocked the door and stepped out into the rain. 

He stepped out too and caught up with me. 

"Hey, is everything all right?" 

I feigned ignorance and picked up the pace, as did he. 

"Why are you running away? Did I make you uncomfortable?" 

Hearing this, I broke off and whipped around, my long hair fluttering slowly in the crisp air. "You didn't. On the contrary." 

He came to a stop, too. "Then why...?" 

I couldn't look in his eyes. "It's not about you," I whispered so he wouldn't hear. "It’s me. There's something wrong with me and it... scares me." 

"Hey, is everything—" 

I looked him in the eyes then. 

"You're a good person. Don't you know it's dangerous to give strangers a ride in the middle of the night? Aren't you afraid I might hurt you?" 

He staggered back a step. "I'm sorry?" 

"You heard me. Answer." 

"I... I don't understand." 

"Or are you the one trying to hurt me? Is that why you got off the car and followed me?" 

"...No." 

A smirk appeared on my lips without me being able to stop it, before I turned away and it faded, my eyes once again meeting his. 

"You hesitated. Even if it lasted no more than a second, I saw your eyes flicker." 

"You've misunderstood. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay. That's why I followed you. But now I understand I shouldn't have." 

He turned his back and retraced his steps back to the car. 

At that moment, something inside me came to life from the darkness I tried so hard to suppress, and before I knew it, I found myself picking up a rock and advancing. Faster and faster. A part of me couldn't bear to see him leave. This was a first. I shouldn't have felt like this. Whenever I pushed someone away, I felt nothing in particular. Nothing. But this time it was different. I wanted him to stay with me. 

Forever. 

He turned around; I swung the rock. 

We locked eyes briefly as he clutched his bleeding wound, his eyes betraying the confusion rising within, before he collapsed sideways to the ground. 

I stood upright, panting heavily under the rain as it washed away the blood pooling on the pavement, watching the crimson liquid slowly disappear into the drain. My chest rose and fell with each exhale, my afflicted mind reeling, and a warm feeling spreading throughout my otherwise cold body. I crouched beside him then and caressed what little remained of his life, his quivering eyes holding mine in a silent plea. 

I withdrew my hand and—"It's not your fault,"—lifted the rock. 

With each swing, his beautiful face slowly disintegrated to a mushy mess of flesh and tendons, the jaw cracked and the bone underneath the ripped skin exposed. I then traced the outline of what remained, working my way down the delicate skin, and then returned, my hand hovering over his open eyes. Digging in. Prying them out, one by one. It felt like I had the whole ocean within my grip, the tip of my tongue tasting the sweetness of iron mixed with salt from the downpour, leaving a tingling sensation behind. 

When I dragged him back into the car and buckled him up beside the driver's seat, the process of decay had already begun, the intoxicating smell spreading fast in the humid air. 

I kissed his bludgeoned face, the flap of his loose flesh bound to the mucosa underneath, and put the pieces, what had not drained away, and tried to make him as beautiful as could be under the circumstances. Even so, despite everything, he was the most beautiful man I had ever laid eyes on. 

I drove until the tank ran dry and the rain stopped. 

My body sank into the seat for a long while as I watched the sun rise above the horizon with my ocean, every thought drowned in a sea of nothingness and every sound too distant to reach me. 

"You know why I did this?" 

I looked at him, but he offered no response. 

"I was afraid that you would leave me, just like Aunt did. I know that was selfish of me, but I have no regrets. You were unlucky to have met me this one time. It wasn't your fault." 

I stepped out of the car and pushed it down the embarkment, watching in silence as the vehicle vanished into the crushing depths below. In my pocket, gripped tightly, were the only things left of his existence. The ocean within his beautiful eyes that would forever haunt me, forever be mine, forever bound to my wretched existence. 

But I did not just erase his existence that dawning. With him, I buried that part of me, too. Thus, for many years I did not fall in love; could not. As how it should be. 

And for a while, everything went back to normal. On the surface, that is. 

I drew out the ocean every night and let him live in my memories, fantasizing of another life, one that would never come true. In my head, we were happily married and nothing and no one could break us apart. But that was how fantasies worked, anyway. It showed a distorted version of reality, making people think they could make fairytales come true. Reality, however, did not work like that.  

When he leaned over to turn on the stereo that night, he wore a wedding ring. He did not like me the way I did, he just took pity on me. Once I got off the car, we would never see each other again. I did not want that. Still, I gave him a chance. Had he not followed me, things would have turned out much different than they had now. 

I checked into the hotel and entered the suite at exactly 1:37 AM. It rained today, just like it did that night, the pitter-patter of each drop like a lullaby in my ears as I stepped onto the balcony and watched the bustling city come to life below. A couple fought just across the street, some young men pulled a drag outside the night club, half-naked women stood waiting at the pavement and waved over men for the night. 

I leaned over the rails, my head tilting slightly as I watched the world pass by me in all its hectic schedule, and a smirk crept up my face lined with wrinkles. It was my birthday tomorrow. It was also the same day I found my ocean and lost it. I would be turning thirty-nine; my agent said she would throw a party this time, whether I liked or not, and make sure I had the time of my life. 

But I had other plans. 

I slung over my legs and rested my back against the rails, reaching into my pocket to light a cigarette for the first time in many years. As I inhaled the smoke and let it fester and burn in my lungs, I let my gaze settle back to the rhythm below, scanning each and every face in the hopes I would find another ocean that would keep death at bay. But I found none. 

Tomorrow morning, the news would not cover that lavish birthday party, neither would my fans mourn my loss. Once my script went live, every major news broadcast would know and tell the world where my ocean lay to rest. I wrote down every haunting detail so no one in their right mind would think I had made any of it up. I used the real date he went missing, the ring and the initials on it, what I did, how I did it... and where I hid the ocean. 

Denver would probably hate me but that was what I wanted, anyway. I did not deserve her love, neither did I deserve the fans. I was a monster – had always been one. Even when I touched my aunt's cold hands all those years ago, all I could think of was how beautiful she was in pale skin, and how I would like to sleep next to her and caress her naked form. 

I think it all started then. Those fantasies. I did not have a word for it back then, I was too young to know, but when I met my ocean, I knew what I was – what I had always been. 

But... I did not desire him, not even once. Not when he was still warm to the touch. 

I wanted to see how he looked when he lay cold and naked, how his skin turned pale and grey, how much more beautiful he could become, and then lay next to him in that deadly silence and become one, like lovers are supposed to. 

But as you must be aware by now, I did not go through with the last step in my fantasies. In a way, I think it was my way of showing mercy. Because one did not become God by taking one life or trading one for another, but by showing mercy when the situation least warranted it. It was also this train of thought that eventually made me lose faith. 

With my final redemption, the mercy I showed my ocean, I had become mightier than the god worshipped by millions upon millions of people, become more powerful than other necrophiliacs taking a life and exhuming graves for something as fleeting as sexual gratification, and more in control than anyone could imagine was ever possible. 

I had become my own god, made of flesh and bones, but— 

I let the cigarette butt slip away and spread my arms wide open, the haunting song lingering deep inside me, never ceasing, never letting go, plummeting. 

Just like how I couldn’t let go of my ocean. 

“I could never let you go, my darling, cold and blue...” 

— even gods must choose a fitting ending. 

Neve Emek: Room 102 - Part 16 of ?

 16

When I opened my eyes as heavy as lead, it was dawning already and the flames that had swallowed not only the school building but also the entire settlement long gone. The village was thus quiet again, peaceful almost, as if nothing had ever happened. 

I lay in the sleeping quarters. I do not even recall how I ended up here, how I managed to escape inferno, but my body was whole and my skin unmarked by the relentless fire. Whatever had happened had now ended and brought me back to the present, far from the nightmares of the past and the untold lives harvested untimely in the dead of a distant night. 

I sat for a long time, the morning sun crawling across the floorboards, washing the room in a soothing light and bringing along the events of whatever had transpired, whatever I had just survived. My chest heaved, my hands shook beyond control, as if the fire had not only etched itself into my distraught mind, but also onto the very marrow of my bones. I tried to speak, tried to call out – anything – but the words failed me. Everything failed me... 

And yet, I knew this was not just some hallucination, a vile product of my mind pulling my legs to see the extent of my affliction. Stranger still, all of this, I was certain, was my aunt’s doing, or whatever remained of her soul, twisting through the smoke, demanding that I see what she too had witnessed, find her and bring her peace, but not only that. She wanted more. She wanted me to leave traces of what had really happened here, what religious fanatics had stolen in the name of God, and what they had tried to erase. Every step I had taken, every corner I had turned, every child I had failed to save – it was all part of a greater scheme, a map, if you will. A map she had drawn before the flames consumed her, too. The village, the fire, the screams... They were all messages and memories made flesh and spirit, demanding that someone remember, that someone carry their voices forwards into a world that had already forgotten what it once called a free Palestine. 

I knew, then, that she would visit me again. Somewhere in the labyrinth of this harrowing place, somewhere in the ruins of a past long-since forgotten, she would guide me and pull me deeper into the past so that I might bring it into the present. And I, the last thread left alive in this inheritance of ashes, would have to follow, even if it meant I too would burn. 

I rose from the floor; my limbs were stiff and body aching as if I had been carrying the weight of the entire village on my shoulders. The sun no longer felt warm as I stood up; it felt like a disgusting lie. Outside, the alleys and lanes were silent, the charred walls hiding nothing and everything at once. I knew the loop would reset again, that in a few hours or moments, time itself would bend and bring me back. Don’t ask me why I thought that. I just did, you know? Deep in my bones, in the marrows, in my stiff veins, in the way my chest rose and fell, and in the way each inhale left a gaping hole inside me – I just knew. 

But I was scared too, witless and afraid of now not only my mind, but also my own shadow in this horrid place filled with the blood of the innocent. But I did not leave the property and return home. How could I? To leave would be to betray them, to let them vanish into the void they had already been forced into, where their screams would forever go unheard and their deaths unnoticed. Because if I too left and saved my own skin, then truly, there would be no one left to remember. Knowing this, how could I turn away from the truth that had chosen me? Perhaps my arrival to this place was Neve Emek’s last attempt to bring justice to the lives lost untimely and the numerous children condemned as terrorists before their flowers blossomed. 

A tear trickled down my cheek then and I wiped it with the back of my hand, before my eyes fell on something on the floorboards. The photograph. It lay where I had collapsed, the edges curled and stained with ash, but whole against the odds, the children in rows, faces frozen in time, the smiles on their faces stolen along with their lives. 

I picked it up and felt the weight of it in my hands. It wasn’t just paper, after all, but proof. Proof that it had happened. Proof that the village, the flames, the children had not been some lie. I even recognised the two kids I tried to save, beaming wide into the camera, unaware of the fate that would befall them. Not terrorists, not heathens, not human animals, just children who did not choose their ethnicity, the country, religion, or culture there were brought up in. 

I pressed the photograph to my chest, inhaling the faint smoke still clinging to it as a chill ran through me. The past, the loop, or whatever it was, had given me a gift – a proof to a reality that the world had erased already, a relic of the past that might survive even if no one would hear the screams, whether they liked it or not. 

The Cassette: Part 2 of 5

 2 

When he went to the nursing home the same night, he did not enter his deceased mother's room right away. Or rather, he could not. He lingered just inside the doorway, trying to clear his mind and gather some courage. He had spent the one-hour drive convincing himself that he wouldn't cry or hesitate, but now that he was here, he couldn't stop the tremor within. 

Mrs Riley stood beside him, one hand lightly gripping his elbow, as if expecting his knees to give way under him. He did not. Instead, he drew a deep breath and took the first of several steps into his mother's solitary room at the end of the drafty corridor lined with several rooms, one of the larger ones, with a view of the ocean his mother had spent decades diving as a sea woman back when they had not yet immigrated. 

Growing up, he felt ashamed of her occupation as a female diver and a single mother. She smelled like the ocean and no matter how many times she washed, the smell lingered and would not clear; it clung to his clothes, seeped into his skin. There was not a single day he wasn't bullied at school. Heck, there was a time when he wanted her to quit so badly that he even thought of running away from home. 

But he no longer felt that way. He missed those days, however strange it may sound. Sure, it had not been an ideal life, nor a kind childhood, but their small coastal town had held a quietness he had never been able to find again, a peace of mind that could not be replicated. 

After immigrating with his mother in search of a better life, that stillness was forever gone. Not that he was ungrateful for the opportunity, he was. But it was simply different. A different kind of life entirely from the one they had lived by the sea; less peaceful and more hectic. Or perhaps it was only nostalgia that made him have these thoughts, the soft distortion of memory making the past seem better than it truly was. After all, anyone who had grown up in the past and become an adult, tended to think it was better than the present, though that might not always have been the case. 

He entered. 

The walls arrested him before the stiff body did. From one corner to the other, every inch of paint had been scored into jagged lines, carved by what he could only imagine was a blunt object or razor. But that was not what made his eyes narrow, nor why he inched closer. The markings were not random, though they would have seemed so to anyone not in the know. They were Chinese characters, so-called Hanzi. What made them eerily unnatural though was the way they had been formed, with each character broken apart and repeated across the walls in fragments, some crooked, some overlapping, as if done in panic. 

It was those words again, and as he drew closer, his mother’s voice rang in his ears in a never-ending loop, making his heart race and mind reel with questions he had no answers to. Bùyào kāimén.  

He swallowed hard and lifted a trembling hand, letting his fingers brush the half-formed strokes. Some lines were barely visible, others gouged so deeply they cut into the wall surface, jagged with flakes of cracked paint and dried specks of brown that could not have been anything but blood. It occurred to him then that the characters had not been scored with a tool at all. They had been dug in by hand. 

His glassy eyes dropped to his mother. She was on the bed, but not in the way the dead were meant to rest. She had not been laid flat; instead, her body sat stiffly upright, shoulders hunched forwards, her jaw stretched into a grotesque rictus, as if her mouth had been forced open until the muscles locked in place. Her neck was rotated upwards and her eyes were wide open, fixed on the ceiling, as though she had been looking at something grotesque at the moment of death. 

Her hands were drawn tightly to her chest in a defensive curl, fingers raised as if to ward something off, some bent backwards at unnatural angles. Two looked fractured, swollen and discoloured, the skin beneath the nails darkened with trapped blood. One nail had been torn away completely. She looked like she had fought something. 

"Did she… really do all this?" 

Mrs Riley's response came too quickly, as though she had been expecting the question the moment they entered. 

"Patients with dementia-related psychosis sometimes act on delusions, Mr Wang," she said. "It isn't uncommon for them to believe they're in danger, even when there's no real threat. And when that fear escalates, it can lead to… drastic actions." 

He looked back at his mother's twisted form, or rather, forced himself to. He understood her condition, and what Mrs Riley was implying, yet he could not stop himself from questioning it. Something about the whole situation did not feel right: the way she had died, and the way she had looked so helpless and terrified in her final moments, as if she had not been alone. His eyes narrowed at the thought. Had she seen something? Someone? 

"You said she hanged herself?" 

"There was a bedsheet tied to the bedpost. She must have used it. The position of the body might seem odd due to this, but rigor mortis can set in quickly depending on the level of stress and—" 

Leo turned to face her, his expression darkening and his features hardening into something unreadable. "Does this look like someone who hanged herself to you, Mrs Riley?" 

"I know this is difficult to accept," she said. "But your mother had been deteriorating. For a long, long time. She believed things that weren't there, heard things that weren't real. That kind of fear can be overwhelming, and sometimes those afflicted cannot cope with it." 

He didn't answer. Not because he accepted her explanation, but because he knew pressing further would lead nowhere. The system had already closed around her death and written it off as delusion-induced suicide. End of story. So, he changed the topic instead. 

"There's something else I wanted to ask you." 

"Sure, go ahead." 

"Ma… did she have access to a phone? One used outside of regular call times?" 

"No. We don't allow personal phones in the rooms, though the patients are free to use the reception line once a week. That said, some of our staff do occasionally lend their phones to patients when they're distressed and want to contact a family member. It's not policy, but… it happens." 

He pulled out his phone and tapped into the call log. The number was still there, the one that had reached him just past midnight. The one his mother used, or something that pretended to be her, before the news of her passing reached him. 

He held the screen towards her. 

"Do you recognise this number?" 

"Let me see." She adjusted her glasses, squinting at the screen, and her expression shifted almost immediately. "Oh—that's Carsten's number. He's our new caretaker. Started about two weeks ago. How did you—" 

"Do you think I could speak to him?" he asked. "In private." 

"In private?" she repeated, her brows lifting. 

"It's no big deal, really," he said. "I just… want to ask him something. Could you help me with that?" 

"Well," she hesitated, "I can check for you. He's off today, but I can see when his next shift is. If he's comfortable with it, I'll let you know." 

"Thanks. I appreciate it." 

"Sure." 

A moment of silence then passed between them before Leo gathered enough courage to speak up. 

"Hey, uh, I'm sorry about earlier. I just—when I saw her like that, I didn't know what to think. I didn't mean to raise my voice or… come off as rude. I hope you don't mind." 

"No worries," she said. "I'm used to these kinds of reactions from bereaved families. My staff and I are trained for it, so don't be too hard on yourself." She paused. "Though, that does remind me, we'll need to go over a few things. Regarding arrangements."  

"Uh, yeah, sure. What… what exactly? This is a first for me, losing a family member I mean, so I'm not really sure how to proceed." 

"Well, when a resident passes, we notify the next of kin, which in this case is you. From here, we'll need your direction on whether you'd prefer to handle the funeral arrangements yourself or have us assist in contacting a funeral service. Some families prefer to work with one they know, others ask us to recommend one. It's entirely up to you." 

"Right. How long do I have to decide?" 

"We'll keep her in our facility morgue for up to seventy-two hours. After that, by law, she'll need to be transferred to either a funeral home, crematorium, or hospital mortuary. Also, if you're planning a service or cremation, you'll need to let us know which funeral director to release the body to." 

He rubbed the side of his neck, unsure of what to do, how to proceed, and completely overwhelmed. 

"I guess she wanted to be cremated? She once told me that, long before she, uh, she took ill. I just haven't—I'm sorry." 

"That's all right," she said, "I can give you a list of registered funeral homes we've worked with before. Some offer same-day or next-day services. If you have someone in mind, I can help you get in touch with them." 

He nodded. "Sure. Anything else I need to take care of?" 

"We'll need you to sign some release papers and consent for the body transfer. There's also a death certificate we'll file with the local registry, but that's… uh, something we'll prepare on your behalf unless you'd like to handle it yourself?" She paused, taking in his expression, and quickly added, "It doesn't all have to be done today, of course. Just before the seventy-two hours are up." 

"Right, uh, you think you can email me the list?" 

"Sure, no problem." 

"Thanks. I'll take care of it. Just… maybe just not today." 

"Of course." 

There was another silent moment after this awkward exchange, one that lasted longer than either of them wanted and was comfortable with.  

"We've got coffee downstairs if you need a second or—" 

"No," he cut in, shaking his head. "I'll be fine. Really. Thank you… for everything." 

He exited the room and walked down the unnecessarily narrow corridor, which was lit by a solitary, flickering lamp that cast broken shadows across the walls. The entire place stank of old wood and sour urine, as though it had not been properly cleaned in a long time. Yet, to his surprise, the place was not as empty as it had been when he first arrived. 

An elderly man stood sobbing next to a barred window, a female resident nearby shouted at her own reflection, slapping her face as if trying to wake herself from something. Further down, another elderly man pushed a walker while smoking with his free hand, despite his old age – or perhaps because of it. 

He couldn't tell whether ending up in such a place was a good thing or a bad thing. He knew, for certain, that he wanted nothing but the best for his future partner and children, that he would never want to be a burden to them in old age. And yet, especially now, he couldn't help but feel an immense, gut-wrenching remorse for having agreed to put his mother in this… prison. The gruesome image of her distorted face and crooked fingers then flashed through his mind, sending a sharp pang through his chest. If she had stayed with him, would she have ended up like that? 

He snapped back to reality and looked down at his feet. A slipper had struck him. His gaze followed the corridor until it landed on an elderly man. He was missing one slipper; the other hung loosely on his foot, revealing a bare, bony leg. 

"Get out of here, Chink!" the man shouted through his toothless mouth. A tattoo on his bare arm revealed he had once been part of an extremist group in his youth. "You don't belong here!" 

Leo didn't even flinch. He simply kept walking. These people were too old, too unwell to be taken at face value. He knew that better than most. He had watched his mother change over the years, seen her personality erode in real time. None of them were of sound mind anymore. 

Then he heard it. A voice that pulled him out of his thoughts and stirred something in him, guilt, remorse, or perhaps something else entirely, but whatever it was, it made him come to a full stop. The tone was familiar. Painfully so. Affectionate and soft in the same way his mother's had been, so much so that for a brief, disorienting second, he thought she had risen from the dead just to comfort him. But it wasn't her.  

"Here! Here!" 

Beneath the flickering lamp sat an elderly woman in a sun-faded blouse, of Asian descent. She was smiling, her eyes crinkling warmly at the corners as she eagerly waved him over, as though she knew him. His instinct was to ignore her, to keep walking, to get out of this dim, suffocating place that seemed to have long since lost whatever colour and life it once had. But then the older woman repeated herself, now louder and firmer, as if she dared him to ignore her and carry on. 

"Leo, my son! My son!" 

His hands curled into fists hearing this and the tears pressed in. It sounded so… real. Like it was his mother calling him. Though he knew he wasn't supposed to, he turned to face her and drew closer. 

"How do you know my name?" 

She looked around them as though checking whether anyone was close enough to hear, then beckoned him nearer, her unnaturally twisted, bony fingers curling in a motion that unsettled him more than he wanted to admit. Hesitating, he leaned in slowly, turning his head, close enough to catch the foul odour of her dry mouth. 

What happened next was sudden and brutal. He didn't see it coming, and even if he had, he doubted he would have been able to react in time.  

Her mouth snapped open and she bit down on his ear with a shocking force, clamping onto it as though intent on tearing straight through the cartilage. He screamed as hot blood burst out, staggering backwards, but she held on, thrashing her head side to side with unprecedented intensity, refusing to let go. 

The staff came running just seconds later; two male caretakers grabbed her and yanked her backwards as one of the nurses jabbed her arm with a syringe. Her limbs twitched, and then, finally, slowed. Then she was still again, limp in her arms, the expression on her face returning to a warm, vacant smile as though she hadn't just tried to bite off his ear. 

Leo was on his knees, one hand pressed hard against his ripped ear, the other holding a bundle of tissues someone had thrust into his palm in the chaos. The pain was unlike anything he had ever experienced, too jarring and overwhelming to be captured by plain words. His entire left side was warm and sticky at this point and crimson blood soaked through his collar and sleeve. 

He looked up, still dazed, as they began to wheel the woman away. Her expression changed again at that moment and her chapped, bloody lips parted, just enough for him to see it, as she mouthed something. Something in Mandarin. 

It took him a second to recognise it, but when he did, the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end and his blood turned in his veins, the air in his lungs no longer providing enough oxygen. There it was again, those words that kept haunting him. Bùyào kāimén. 

Then she started to laugh, hysterical, as if she was mocking him; it made his blood run cold and a cold shiver to shoot up his spine. Yet, he couldn't take his eyes off her, not even when a nurse came over to help him rise back to his feet. Even so, the woman did not stop, she kept laughing all the way down the corridor, even as her body slumped against the straps of the wheelchair, even as the staff exchanged frightened glances behind her back. 

For a long while, he remained completely frozen, consumed by a terror that left him unable to move, the paper towel pressed against his torn ear now soaked through. His heart pounded with a growing, suffocating certainty that something wasn't right. First his mother, now this woman. The same words, looping like a broken recorder that wouldn't let him catch his breath. But he could not wrap his head around it. It made no sense. What door? And, moreover, why was he not supposed to open it?  

Those thoughts spiralled as he entered the code to his flat and stepped inside, shutting the world out behind him. 

He threw himself onto the bed and lay there staring at the ceiling, his ear throbbing with every pulse as his body worked to repair itself. Not long afterwards, he dozed off, his mother's voice repeating in his mind like a sinister beat he couldn't get rid of. "Bùyào kāimén." But she said nothing else, offered no explanation – not even in his nightmares – only those words, as though he might understand if repeated long enough. 

He did not. 

Invitation Only - Part 1 of ?

1

There was once a time when I too believed in miracles, that the tide would eventually turn and give way to clear water. But everything changed when Kara disappeared. I was her older brother; I was supposed to protect and keep her safe. When our parents passed away that night on Christmas Eve, I promised them, to whatever might existence beyond this vast universe, that I would make sure she lived each and every day without feeling their absence. 

But I failed. Bitterly so. Unforgivably so.  

Even now, as pink water embraced my still form and every thought drowned along with my body, I could do nothing but feel sorry. Sorry that I could not find her in this lifetime. I should have done more. I should have been there for her. So, why did I spend that precious time slaving to the bone? What for? In the end, none of that mattered – whether it was the promising career, the girlfriend I thought would be there for me through thick and thin, and the friends I lost along the way. None of that mattered. Never did. 

My lungs burned now, slowly filling with steaming water, the bathtub overflowing with the mix of water and blood. My own. Dripping steadily from my wrist, the last cut too deep, too painful for plain words to describe. But I felt neither the jarring pain nor the way my arm tingled with each trickle. All I could feel was this pang in my chest, the way it pulled and tightened around my body, and how each breath caught in my throat.  

In the background, through the ajar door, the radio crackled to life. I did not remember turning it on.  

“Missing girl found dead in Prospect Park Lake three miles from home. Police rules out foul play.” 

It stirred something in me, those words.  

Submerged, I slowly opened my eyes and listened to the radio. My vision was blurry and the pink water stinging, but I did not fight the inevitable. I wanted to end my existence, to free my soul from the pain of not knowing what happened to my sister, to break free from it all, and join Kara in the afterlife. A decade had passed already. Had she been alive after all those years, she would have reached out to me one way or the other and explained herself no matter how upset she was with me.  

It was my fault she never confided in me, never told me about her addiction. If I had known earlier, I would have done everything in my power to help her out of whatever haunted her. But she told me nothing. On the contrary. The week leading up to her disappearance was one of our best yet; she even talked about visiting our parents. 

Our parents passed away when she was fourteen, and never really got over their sudden deaths. For a long time, she blamed them for leaving us. She was just a child going through puberty at the time, so I did not try to convince her otherwise, thinking she would eventually get over it. But it just kept getting worse and worse. It was like she was never really there, like the smile never truly reached her eyes no matter how hard she tried. 

When the authorities said she had run away from home, like how girls her age do, I wanted to believe them. I convinced myself that had to be the case, for why else would she disappear just like that? But with each passing year and no words from her, that tiny piece of hope I harboured in my heart slowly ceased.  

She was gone; I had no reason to live. In a way, I owed her this life of mine. When our parents passed and it seemed like the whole world had come to an end, she was the beacon of light that helped me navigate through the hurricane and find my way home. Without her, I would have perished long ago, anyway. 

The radio died. 

I shut my eyes anew, welcoming the warm kiss of death, coming to terms with my life-long guilt and the pain that tore my insides out every waking hour. 

Ding-dong.  

I let my body sink deeper, let the pressure of the steaming water dilute my cut veins. 

Ding-dong. Ding-dong. 

Air bubbles escaped on the surface of the tub. 

Ding-dong. Ding-dong. 

Memories took over my hazy mind; Kara waited for me in front of her high school, smiling, waving at me to quickly come over. I smiled, too— 

“Ethan! Wake up! Ethan!” 

She used to hate it, whenever I picked her up, said I was embarrassing her by being overprotective. But she did not hate it this time. She kept waving me over. Smiling so brightly. How I missed that smile. How I missed it so terribly... 

“Ethan! Wake up! You must—save me!” 

My eyes fluttered open before I knew it, my limbs thrashing against the porcelain as I coughed up the mix of liquid and slime pooled inside my lungs.  

“K-Kara?” 

I knew not how I managed to pull myself up, I just knew I did. But even as I frantically searched the entire place, I could not find her. But I had heard her! It was her voice! Where... where was she? Why did she hide from me? What did I ever do to her to warrant such— 

My bloodshot eyes narrowed.  

On the table lay something I had not seen in ages. I used to bring the leather journal everywhere with me back at the height of my career as an investigative journalist. I did not even recall where I last put it. My eyes drifted to the door; it was locked. Did someone enter my apartment?  

Save from a flickering lightbulb that should have been changed months ago, the second-floor landing was completely dark and desolate. I opened the door still and examined the frame; no signs of intrusion. Was I losing my mind? Perhaps I did find the journal but forgot?  

When I returned to the living room, the first thing that arrested me was the entry in the open journal. But it did not belong to me. The curves and strokes were completely the opposite of mine. But that was not why my eyes widened and my feet almost gave way under me. It was Kara’s handwriting. I would have recognised it anywhere. 

SAFIYE 

It was a name; one I had heard before but from where? 

I leafed through the entire journal trying to find a clue, something that could help me recall. That was when the journal, stained crimson now, slipped from my hand and a grainy photograph I did not remember ever putting in there dropped at my feet. It showed two girls at a park, holding hands and smiling to the camera. One of them was my sister, the other was... Safiye? 

The pages turned as I was about to pick up the photograph, landing on one of the last entries I had written. It was more a reminder to myself than an actual note from back in time, back when I thought I could find Kara alive. 

Does she know something?? 

It occurred to me then that I wrote this on the same evening I was laid off work. I had spent the entire day, several months, looking for Kara. That evening, after interviewing several of Kara’s classmates, I managed to reach out to a young woman by the name of Safiye. She was two years older than my sister and had been introduced to the glamorous nightlife far too early, the one wolves in sheep’s clothing showed afflicted women, before the ugly truth became their reality. 

During our brief interview, she told me that she started out as a charity youth programme recruiter for a well-known foundation, and from there, was slowly introduced to invite-only charity galas and political donor events where powerful men attended under a false guise. She said everything seemed harmless at first, that the men she was in charge of genuinely wanted to help her and others in her situation. It was not until she received her first beaten after refusing the advances of an older donor that she realised she was being trafficked, that the programme itself had been a trap from the get-go. By then, however, she was too deep in to escape her prison.  

When I asked if she knew where Kara was, if she too had been introduced to this nightlife, she told me she did not know – that Kara was not the type of person to seek fame or fortune by lowering herself to their level – that she had a loving home and an older brother that would do anything for her. I bought it. 

I did not find out about her struggle with drugs until several months after, by then, I could not reach Safiye again. She had disappeared. All I had left of our brief conversation was these entries and a phone number that I had tried untold times to call.  

With a towel wrapped around my wrist, I pressed firmly to stop the bleeding. My eyes were fixed on the phone number, counting the seconds in my head. I did that whenever I needed to catch my breath, debating within myself whether to give her one final call after a decade. Would she even remember me?  

I raked my fingers through my wet hair and hunched forwards from where I sat, feeling all kinds of conflicting emotions. I was getting ahead of myself again. She would not have kept the same phone number after all these years, and even if she did, for all I cared and knew, she too had disappeared. Calling the number would only disappoint me, put my failing heart under more pressure than it was designed to withstand. But what if I was mistaken? 

Hope was such a powerful yet destructive feeling. It was the root of all miracles but also the start of the kind of nightmares that had no end or closure. Once it got under one’s skin, it festered and seethed, until it either broke through the surface or sucked the life out of its host like a parasite. So, which was it for me? A miracle taking root in my heart or the beginning of a nightmare with no escape? 

I wished I had an answer; I did not. 

So, I hit call instead and several beats passed. No one answered. I knew that much, but I did not end the call. Not yet. That was how hope worked, leaving no room for logic or reasoning, it just appeared and made a fool out of one. Still, I did not end the call, even as my heart threatened to rip out my chest and my hands trembled unchecked. I just waited. I did not know what for. I just did. 

Then— 

“Hello? Who am I speaking to?” 

Was it her voice? So many years had passed already, I could not be certain. The young woman I talked to back then had lost all hope for a better tomorrow and her voice reflected that sombreness. But the voice on the other end of the line had life in it and hope for a lifetime of memories. It did not belong to a sad woman at the end of her ropes.  

“Is this... Safiye?” 

A paused followed this question but it was so quick that I could have easily missed the hesitation. 

“Who? I’m sorry, you must’ve got the wrong number.” 

“Please, don’t hang up!” I changed ears in haste, desperate to make the call last longer. “It’s Ethan! Ethan Calloway.” 

“Et...han?” 

“Kara’s brother. Do you remember me?” 

“I—” 

“I won’t take long. Please. Just hear me out.” 

“My husband is at home. He doesn’t know... my past. I can’t afford to lose him. I’m a mother now.” 

“I-I’ll call back later! Does tomorrow work? Please, say something. Anything!” 

“I don’t know what else I can tell you. It’s all in the past now. I hardly remember anything from my life back then. I’ve changed. I don’t want to bring back those... those horrible memories.” 

“I don’t want you to.” 

“Then what do you want from me?” 

“A name.” 

“A... name?” 

“That youth programme; give me a name. Who recruited you? Who brought you to those charity events? Who did you see there? What kind of people did you meet?” 

“You think—” Her voice dropped lower. “—that has anything to do with Kara’s disappearance?” 

“You tell me. Does it?” 

A long paused followed this. I could hear her breath through the line, the way her breath slowed and became irregular with each passing second as she weighed whether to tell me everything she knew or forever remain mute.  

“Mercer. Jonathan Scott Mercer." 

“Mercer?” 

The line went dead.  

I knew that name. Everyone remotely interested in politics did. Mercer had made a name for himself at a very young age as the head of a security firm contractor active in NGO programmes, as well as the spokesperson of several charity foundations as a key political figure and the younger brother of the residing president’s son-in-law. And though it seemed normal for a private security firm to hold charity events and galas, beneath the surface, another truth lay. 

Back when I was still working as an active journalist, several of my colleagues at the small press were systematically removed from their positions and forced out after attempting to uncover Mercer’s operations. He was a powerful figure backed up by not only his brother and his affluent clients, but also the president himself. It was in everyone’s interest to keep whatever secrets Mercer hid within their own circle. 

I knew the guy was dangerous and somewhat under the radar, what I did not expect was his involvement in human trafficking. His record was too clean, too impeccable; though the police caught several human trafficking rings connected directly to the wealthy, his name was never once given away or even mentioned in the official papers. 

From what I could recall from my days in the office, he was more or less a recluse. Only a handful of people knew what he looked like. Back then, rumours had it that he deliberately kept his identity hidden, so that the few undercover journalists that managed to infiltrate the charity events, could not write up articles about him.  

Safiye was but one of god knows how many young woman who was trapped in this scheme. She had no reason to lie to me. Moreover, someone in her position and status, would not have heard of Mercer’s highly confidential involvement in the trafficking – not unless she heard or witnessed something herself. 

I had to look into it, make sure no stone was left unturned. But where would I even begin? That was when it hit me. Or rather, that was when a name crossed my mind, one that caused a bitter smile to tug on my lips.  

Kamran and I went way back. We started out as bandmates back in college, played a few gigs and thought we would make it big, until life happened and we graduated. We tried to keep in touch every now and then, before I cut all ties with everyone, but that did not mean we were not there for one another when we needed it the most. 

When he lost his sister during a terrorist attack in Tehran last June, I was the first person he called. I figured he knew I was the only one who could understand what losing someone felt like. After that incident, he quit his job and settled in the country with his wife Ashley and their two twin daughters, working the fields. He swore never to join the intelligence again, that the entire system was broken beyond repair and corrupted to the core. If anyone could help me find dirt on Mercer, it had to be him.