Dysphoria

Photo by Max Griss on Unsplash

I knew I liked boys in a different way than I did girls when I was about eight years old. Being raised in the late 90s, however, has not been easy. 

People had prejudices against my kind, they still have to a certain extent today, but it wasn’t like I could control the way my mind and body worked.

I prayed for untold nights – weeping – asking God to save me from this disease, but he didn’t. I was beyond salvation.

My desires grew with every passing year, and I considered suicide at one point in my early adolescence. Why was I like this? It wasn’t natural, I wasn’t supposed to like men.

But I did. I did… and I wished I didn’t.

 When I was forced to come out back in middle school, life turned from bad to worse really quickly. There was this guy I liked, his name was Shaun, and he was the only one who ever spoke to me at school.

Despite being a male, I was too feminine and weak, even more so than the girls in our batch. I thought Shaun was a real friend, someone I could confide in and tell my deepest secrets to, and so I did.

We were sitting at the rooftop of our school, chatting and having fun, when Shaun asked if I liked guys. I never made it obvious to him, or anyone for that matter, but I guess he could see through me.

Although I hesitated, I still told him the truth, and then he… he asked if I wanted to kiss him. And again, I said yes. I shouldn’t have. It was the biggest mistake I ever made.

The next day at school, everyone knew I was gay. The boys were especially harsh on me for this; they humiliated me in ways no kid should ever be subjected to and turned me into this miserable young man I now was. 

But I didn’t choose this, did I? Did those people really think I wanted to be what I was?

I hated myself. I hated every inch of my body. I hated this world, this society that deemed me a deranged and perverted sodomite.

But I didn’t choose this… It chose me. If I had the opportunity to get rid of this part of me – this part that made me so miserable – I wouldn’t hesitate for a second.

If only I had been born as a woman, then none of the things I’m about to tell would’ve happened. 

I shut my eyes momentarily and sighed from where I was crouching, my slender fingers running along the sharp blade in my hand.

When I opened my eyes, an older version of my first love stared back at me with darting eyes. His soft, kissable lips were taped, his cold, shaking limbs tethered and his body naked and vulnerable. I caressed him as a tear slid down his high cheekbones.

“It’ll be over soon, love…”

Even though I couldn’t discern what he was saying, I knew he pleaded with me to save him, to release him. I cocked my head. He looked so helpless, like a lamb at the mercy of a wolf, repeatedly begging me not to hurt him.

I wasn’t trying to hurt him; I loved him. Letting my eyes wander to his exposed abdomen, the sharp knife cut the tip of my finger by accident, the blood hit the wet ground between us as a smile crept on my made-up face. 

“Do you know what it feels like to be born like this? To feel like you don’t belong, that you don’t fit anywhere? I bet you don’t. If you did, would you have done what you did to me, Shaun?” 

His body convulsed as I reached out for his lower half, my rough hands tightening around him with deliberate force. 

“I’ll show you what it feels like… to be miserable, to feel like you’ve been born in the wrong body.”

I cut into his foreskin, taking my time skinning it, before slicing his penis off. 

“Soon, the two of us, we’ll be equal. You’ll love your new look. Shaun, my love, I’ll make a woman out of you.”

Although he put up a fight at first, he soon turned stiff and gave up all attempts to save his penis. As the warm blood pooled beneath us, growing bigger as I neared the end of his new beginning, he stifled the screams, trying to escape. 

I paused, inches from cutting off what remained of his penis, and lifted my eyes. His bloodshot, delirious eyes brimmed with tears. He was beautiful, and he was mine. 

“Do you know what? I’m gonna kill you after this, Shaun. I don’t want you to suffer humiliation like I did. Don’t want to create another me – another monster. I’ll show you mercy. Then I’ll turn myself in—what? I can’t hear you—hold on, I’ll take it off.”

“Just- just kill me, please! Kill me—”

I put the duct tape back on.

“I’m not a saint, you know. Why would I let you off the hook so easily? You reap what you sow, Shaun. That’s how this world is and this is how it’ll be, I don’t know, until Judgement day? If you believe in that sort of thing. So don’t look at me like that. You have to pay for your sins.”

I cut off his erect penis and placed it to the side. This time, Shaun screamed his head off and kicked around to be set free from the soaring pain. I wiped off the splattering of blood with the back of my arm; it wasn’t over just yet.

I sliced into him, crafting a neat hole, as the blood gushed out from all openings. When I was done, he had long since passed out and stopped breathing. A bitter grin curled up on my lips.

“So cruel… to just die on me like this. We didn’t even get to the fun part yet.”

I wiped the clotted blood on my shirt and picked up a blond wig from the built-in wardrobe in the basement. The size was a tad small, but I forced it down until it fit his square face. I posed him for the camera and snapped a picture. So pretty, just my type. 

I had always wanted to be a photographer. But my dreams were short-lived. Wherever I went, I was known as this feminine guy, who liked other men, derided like no other for something I had no control over. Like in a recurrent nightmare, there was no escape from this. 

Smiling bitterly, I kissed his cold forehead and lay my head on his stiff chest. The absence of his beating heart aroused me. I picked up his lifeless hand, and let the coldness embrace my lower half.

I lied to him; I wasn’t going to turn myself in. I was going to die in his arms now that we were both equals. If only I was a woman… then maybe none of this would’ve happened…

Another smile crossed on my hardened face as I was coming. The thought of the two of us on a cloudless morning out in the meadow somewhere far away from everything and everyone lingered in my mind.

Just the two of us, there, laying side by side, madly in love and free. I flew my eyes open and moaned.

If only I were a woman…