Photo by Thanos Pal on Unsplash
The scenic road stretched far ahead in the gloaming. Twinkling stars painted the darkening sky as the dying sun sank below the horizon in an eerie farewell.
I rested my arm against the open car window as the whistling wind combed through my auburn hair. Heavy thoughts weighed me down and muddled my spinning head.
I manoeuvred the car to the side of the road, switched off the engine, and then settled into the upholstered seat.
What was I even thinking? I shouldn’t be here, it was too—I frowned.
My frantic eyes searched the darkness, glassy and distraught from the sudden clamour that arrested me. I looked around the forested vicinity to make sure I wasn’t hearing things.
Then I saw it. A pram? In the middle of the road, at that… How ironic.
I stepped out of the car and scanned my surroundings thoroughly. My eyes sought any sign of unwanted activity in the dim light as I made my way to the middle of the road. But I was all alone here.
The pram looked brand new; whoever owned it hadn’t used it for long. But why dispose of it here and at this exact spot?
I pushed it to the side and watched it roll down the slope until it was no longer visible from this angle.
When I returned to my car, I couldn’t help but take a peek behind me as an icy breath breezed against my bare neck and sent shivers down my spine.
I shifted my focus to the middle of the road again without really knowing why. What in the…?
I clutched to the door handle. There it was again, the pram, at the same exact spot. Suspecting the worst, I scanned the area for the second time and asked whoever was hiding in the dark to come forth. But there was no reply.
I smirked. My shoulders slouched forwards in relief as I erupted into laughter. The smile on my face, however, faded not long after.
Someone called me. Gliding down with my back against the car, I buried my hardened face in my knees and rocked back and forth like an infant in search of comfort.
When the third call came through, persistent and relentless, I grabbed my phone and hurled it into the distance. It finally stopped.
But it wasn’t over. With each passing second, my heart pounded loudly in a desperate race against the clock. I choked. It felt as if my throat tightened and squeezed the life out of me. But I knew none of this was true.
With the chilly wind brushing against my face, I turned my attention towards the pram again. I clenched my jaw and felt the heat radiating from my cheeks from the marrow of my bones.
The despair buried deep within turned to anger in a sudden fit of rage. I strode to the centre of the road and kicked the pram repeatedly until it was completely destroyed – and only then did I stop.
Overwhelmed with emotions, I reached my breaking point and crumbled to the ground, sobbing hysterically as if I had gone insane.
With my hands trembling and my lungs desperate for air, I instinctively clutched my chest. An intense and agonising pang consumed my senses and muddled my thoughts.
I screamed. I screamed at the top of my lungs – on the verge of delirium – frantically mourning the loss of my baby girl.
Screaming until I lost my voice and gasped for air, unable to comprehend the searing pain burning my insides and ripping me apart over and over again while still alive. Why? I just wanted to know why.
“Why are you doing this to me? What did I ever do to you? Huh? What did I do to deserve this? What did I do? Please, tell me! Please bring her back to me, please, I—”
I held my breath.
“Danielle!”
Ignoring any sense of fear, I swiftly rose from the ground and delved into the mysterious depths of the forest. I couldn’t allow them to snatch her away from me again!
With my baby girl nestled securely against my chest, I sprinted through the thickets and relished in the sensation of her tiny heartbeat pulsating against me.
The sound of footsteps behind me grew louder with each passing moment. I had to protect what was mine. I failed once and I couldn’t fail again. I just… I just couldn’t.
In the distance, the thickets parted to reveal a man-made reservoir. Its calm surface contrasted with the surrounding wilderness and the frantic beat of my distraught heart.
I stopped in front of the calm body of water and looked over my shoulder. My baby’s stiff fingers wrapped around my thumb as she let out a bellowing cry.
I stroked her pale face and soothed her back into a peaceful slumber.
“Mummy won’t leave you ever again. I promise.”
“Danielle! Danielle, listen, I—”
I turned around. “Stay away from us!”
My husband took a step forwards, his hands reaching out as gently as was possible.
“I shouldn’t have—Danielle, I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean those things. You know I didn’t.” He paused and took another careful step forwards. “Can’t we talk about this back at home? Hmm? For God’s sake, Danielle! I said I’m sorry! No, no, stay- stay there! I didn’t mean—I’m sorry, I- I shouldn’t… Can’t we just talk about this at home? Danielle? Please!”
I shook my head, my eyes drawn to the dark body of water that beckoned me in an icy welcome.
“Danielle, I- I tried to understand, okay? She wasn’t just yours, was she? She was mine too! She was ours! But- but I…” He scratched the back of his head. A frown creased his face devoid of colour. “You’re- you’re not okay, Danielle. You’re not! You need to see a doctor. I- I’m not saying you’re sick or anything like that, but you need to… You need someone to talk to.”
“I’m not crazy.”
“I didn’t say you were, babe. But look at you! Do you… do you even see what I’m seeing? Do you see—”
“You were trying to bury her! Our daughter! You tried to—”
“She’s dead, Danielle. She’s… You know that too! You know, babe, you know it all! And it’s perfectly normal you feel this way but- but you gotta start somewhere. You gotta heal, you gotta forget—”
“I can’t abandon her! They’re gonna take her away from me! I can’t let them do this to me! Not again! My heart can’t take it!”
He reached out to me again. His intelligent eyes were laced with distress as he inched closer step by step. His bloodshot eyes welled up with tears, silently pleading for me to hold his hand.
I stared at my baby girl and smiled.
“She looks like you. She’s got your nose…”
“Danielle, come here, hmm? Let’s talk—”
“Will you come visit us?”
“Danielle, please—”
As his hands reached out for the last time, my weary body gracefully descended into the depths that surrounded me.
My baby beamed. I returned its innocent smile, that faded away too soon and drowned in my own misery.
The bottomless pit became our new home. With the pram I bought on her first birthday, we’d go on new adventures, just the two of us.
Now everything would be okay. Here, in the deep, I could finally catch my breath and live.
